It's been just about two years since I've submitted anything and that's highly amusing to me for some reason. Looking back at it now, I think it had to do with various relationships with people falling apart and my inability to cope with the losses.

I retreated into myself for a long time, until I thought I was ready to jump back out there and continue with something that I love doing. Writing.

However... When I tried it again, everything I typed seemed so hallow... Lifeless even. No matter what I did, the stories didn't have a soul nor any emotion. I tried forcing it, but it felt fake. For one story it took me two weeks just to write a somewhat decent prologue. I'm still not happy with it... It feels like I just gave up on it and settled with a crappy half-assed explanation. I should probably write it again, but to be honest... I've lost all of my feelings, aside from resentment, for it.

I mean, how can you write something that you hate?

Sure it wasn't like that in the beginning. I loved my plot and the characters. They were the first ones that I created by myself in a long time. But slowly I lost focus of how it was supposed to turn out and eventually began to hate everything.

And it's not just that one story either.

Recently, a friend of mine convinced me to bring one of our old stories back to life. And when I tried to think of how to even start it... I remembered why I gave up on that project. I hated just about everything about it. I hate the characters, I hate the plot (actually, the lack of one), I hate the setting, I hate the planned events, I hate the fact it's going to take forever to write... I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try it's going to turn into an epic failure.

It's utterly depressing.

So the depression mixed with the burning desire to destroy everything has left me in a perplexed mood to say the least. I'm completely unsure of what to do, second guessing myself more then usual and constantly hesitating.

It's clear to me now that I'm afraid of failure and disappointing people.

I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to scream and tell off everyone that's annoying me with great detail, regardless of their feelings. Another part wants to just stay submissive, no matter how much it pains me... And the other part wants to just say "fuck it" and be blissfully ignorant about everything.

Actually... The above paragraph, it doesn't just go for my writing. It goes for everything in my life. I'm so dumbfounded by my emotions and how I've been getting treated by people lately that I've been giving off this persona of... I don't even know, I just know that it's not me.

I'm really not a mean and spiteful person. Sure I have my moments when I'm utterly enraged and you deserve it... But normally, I'm happy and fun to be around. I can usually make people laugh quite easily without having to force myself to act like an idiot. And, I'll be honest, I've been forcing myself into those idiotic situations a lot as of late.

It doesn't feel right and just makes the mood around me even worse. It's pathetic that I don't know how to handle this emotional over-load.

....

Well, I guess I've wasted enough time and space for now.

There really was no point in this journal. Just letting a few things off my chest I suppose.

Oh... Just FYI... I might be posting some new art soon. How soon depends on if I want to ink and color them... But I have to decide how to do it, completely digital? Or the old fashioned way?

Gah! Decisions, decisions.

Guess I could always just pick up my old hobby of pixling... But the last time I did a serious one I almost went blind from staring at the computer for so long... God damned Dementor...

Alright, okay... I'm off! Bye!